JIMMY Greaves, England's greatest ever goal scorer, proved a smash hit as a comedian at the Treaty Centre's Paul Robeson Theatre in Hounslow on Friday.

His quick wit and confident delivery had the audience in fits of laughter, including those non-soccer fanatics who were attracted by the man's TV image rather than his soccer achievements.

He hailed Alan Gilzean as the best player he had played with and George Best as the greatest he had played against, but couldn't resist a wise crack at the Irish legend's past drinking problems. He joked: "George launched a ship in Belfast and it was three miles out at sea before he let go of the bottle."

Of the less than handsome Luke Chadwick, Greavsie jested: "His mother had asked for an abortion, but the doctor told her 'you can't have one now, Mrs. Chadwick, he's already started school."

Greaves told anecdotes about his glittering career which brought him 452 goals in 595 first class games, 44 coming in just 57 England appearances. He was a star with Chelsea in the 1960s before surviving a disastrous spell in Italy with AC Milan to before a hero with Spurs and then finishing his League career at West Ham.

Appearing with Greaves was former Chelsea and Brentford hard man Ron 'Chopper' Harris, whose record 795 appearances for Chelsea are remembered mainly for the pain he inflicted on opponents, including Greaves.

Harris scoffed at the fact England have turned to teenage striker Wayne Rooney when he has played only seven games for his club Everton. Greaves chipped in: "England don't look a very good side - the only way Sven will win in Europe is if he writes a song."

Both Greaves and Harris agreed that there are a lack of characters in today's game and players are less honest as many dive to gain penalties and try to get opponents sent off.

Greaves paid tribute to show promoter and compere Terry Baker, adding: "He's a great friend - not mine, but someone must like him."